This has been a long week and it is only tuesday. Though to be fair the stress and angst didn't start on monday. Lately fear, anxiety and general screaming from Otto are blanketing me with stress.
We have always known that Otto was someone who was emotional. When he is happy he is over the moon, when sad, there is no silver lining he can find and when he is mad, watch out. Lately though his emotions have become even bigger, if that is even possible and he and I both don't seem equipped to deal with them. The latest hurdle for us to overcome is a new and VERY intense fear of train sounds. It all started a few weeks ago when walking down through town when a train came by. It was admittedly a very loud train but he has been around trains many times before.... regardless, his whole body was trembling as he clung to me for dear life. He and I both had our hands over his ears while I tried to reassure him everything was going to be ok. It took a long time after the train was gone for him to calm down. For the next few days everyone he saw was told the story, by him, of how he saw a train, it was really loud, it scared him and he cried. We talked about it all the time and i really thought that by working it out we could get beyond it. That does not seem to be the case. Now if he hears a train way WAY far off in the distance he begins to bawl, and shake and is clearly terrified. Nothing I seem to do seems to help. Moreover, everything I can think of seems to only be reactionary, nothing is proactive or seeming capable of helping him overcome this fear. In addition to this intense fear that is surfacing his screaming and intense toddler angst is going to new heights. When he gets mad there is no way to talk to him and he looses complete control. For a while it felt like I was getting somewhere with every time he started loosing it to find a safe quiet place where he could be alone and calm down in his own space. Now, even that doesn't feel like it is working. There are so many things going on here I don't know where to start. Control issues, fear, anxiety, anger. All important emotions that we all wrestle with through our whole lives and emotions that I feel one of my primary roles as his care giver is to teach him how to deal with. Lately though, I don't feel like I can get through to him. Something else is at work here and I am in over my head.
I have a good friend whose son is the same age as Otto. She has known Otto since the day he was born and is an excellent sounding board for kid issues. They are currently working with some therapists with their son over some sensory and language issues and loves the people she is working with. Talking to her made me realize that this isn't just crazy three year old developmental hurdles and that getting outside help may make us all feel better. After many conferences on the topic with another friend, a former preschool teacher and general smart gal, I decided to talk to our pediatrician about my fears and concerns. She agreed that it might be a good idea to talk to an occupational therapist to try and get some answers, for my sake as much as Otto's. I have the referral and am now just waiting for a call back to schedule a meeting. That alone is making me feel better.
I want so much to give Otto the tools he needs to be successful in life. I want to walk the line between awesome cool mom who is there as a friend whenever he needs me. But I also see that he needs discipline and guidance. And really, I am a rookie, I've never done this before. What the heck do I know?? As eric says, he is long term experiment no. 1. I will be sure to keep you posted as to how this all plays out but for now I am just waiting and hoping I make the right moves on the way down this path.
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